March 2 tragedies 2005

How tragic. Such bad things in the news. There are the details of Hunter S. Thompson's death by natural causes, a self-inflicted gunshot to the head. According to the accounts by his wife, she found him slumped at the table with a pin-hole exit wound in the back of his head. Very neat, very final, a well placed missile leaving no mess, no splatter. I would guess that if his brains had flung themselves on the wall, either the EPA would've ruled it a medical waste spill and had the wall dismantled, encased in concrete and trucked to a toxic dump off in one of those square states out west, or it would've been named an historic landmark by the readers of Mother Jones. As it was, the bullet passed through his firm but pliable brains like a toothpick slides through a well cooked swedish meatball. No muss, no fuss.

That being said, it's not the most tragic thing I've heard today. "Adventurer" Steve Fosset may fail at being the first person to fly solo, nonstop around the world, because he's running out of gas. Adventurer Steve has made a name for himself by failing on a number of occasions trying to circumnavigate the globe in a hot air balloon until finally designing a balloon that could fly in space,with jet engines, and a sealed titanium cockpit. Oh what Steve has given to Hot air balloon technology! I'm reminded of a line from the classic motion picture "The Big Bus". While dedicating the new nuclear powered gigantic bus at a press conference, the designer spoke of his dreams, that "One day there will be busses that can fly!" I am as afraid that A. Steve will fail on his mission as I felt that Chuck Norris might never set the speed record for crossing Lake Michigan in a power boat, or Ron Santo will have to wait to die to make the Baseball Hall of Fame. What's even worse is the fact that he's up there all alone with only a thousand or so technicians monitoring his every move in a state of the art control center, the unrelenting support of the United States Government, and Richard Branson. "Here am I floating roun my tin can, far above the moon...." Everytime I look at my paycheck and see how much the government takes away I ask myself if there is some way I can give a little more just to make sure that a U.S. aircraft carrier is ready to fish Adventurer Steve out of the ocean. And with Branson involved you know that they're only thinking of the future of mankind, because nobodys gonna get laid in this deal.

When I was very young people used to go over Niagra Falls in a barrel and die. Back then it was referred to as "Suicide." People used to line up 3 abreast with their barrels, anxious to plummet to their deaths. That's adventure! Thousands of people would also go to Niagra Falls on their honeymoons, with equivalent results. They created a law against going over the falls in a barrel, so guys would sneak out there in the middle of the night to kill themselves. Finally somebody built a titanium barrel with air bags and a microwave oven, went over the falls and stepped out smoking a cigarette and eating popcorn. I picture Steve Fosset hearing this news on his crystal radio and screaming "That's for me!"

I'm not proposing that Steve be stopped from his quest to bring the kind of technology that would allow a person to fly non-stop from Chicago's O'hare airport to Chicago's Midway airport in just a matter of days. No, my thoughts are 360 degrees from that idea. I hope that on the next attempt, and God knows there will be a next attempt, that Steve be given a copy of "Fear and loathing in Las Vegas" to read during the quiet moments of his trip. Just that one solitary work of art. Just that one magical tome, and a small caliber handgun.