March 3rd Witches in the workplace

Today was a difficult one for me. I work for a major broadcast outlet that is suffering bad ratings during a big rating period. Up until now I have never been suspect of causing the bad ratings, largely because I have always been fairly successful in what I do, but now after an exhaustive series of changes in the way we do business, my area has come under scrutiny. I have authored many theories in my life, but hold a personal patent to 2 profound ones; 1. The sympathy for any illness will never last as long as the illness. 2. No one, no matter how intelligent, pious, or good looking can escape the damage of "close scrutiny."

Over the last week I have been told on several occasions that this scrutinizing is not a "Witch Hunt!" Someone is going to get hurt in this process, someone may be fired, and everyone is going to end up sorry and embarrassed, largely because the problems that come from my department are only a tiny piece of the failure pie. Frankly it's just a little flattering to think that I could bring the whole place down, based on the level of energy they are expending to examine me, if I survive this I should ask for a raise based on how much they value what I do. It occurred to me that this is in fact not a "Witch Hunt", but if you could see the circumstance as a whole, you would realize that the owners have made physical changes, personnel changes, spent buttloads of money, tried everything humanly possible to improve their slice of market share and the ratings continue to plummet. Perhaps the cause of our dilemma is, in fact, supernatural. Perhaps a "Witch Hunt" is called for here. I know there are witches in the office, I know there are women here who look like witches, and I have at one point seen a very well known air personality fly on a broom. I know it may seem chauvinistic to assume that just because a woman has a boil on the face, or that her nose is all pointy, or she can elevate herself on a cleaning device, that she might be a witch, but I am after all a man. As I was saying to a group of my female coworkers standing around a bubbling cauldron just yesterday "Do you think that the "Goth" look is going to fly on a local television newscast?" They just cackled their pointy black hats off! Nobody in the shop has been "transformed" into a newt or anything, but there was a tape supervisor who was changed into a alligator last year. Coincidence? Maybe.

In the end I know that I did everything I could to make my job run smoothly, I have given 110 percent, and I've used the word "pointy" 3 times so far. My favorite words are "Tuft", "Chromium", and "Pointy." That makes 4. If I lose my position I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that I left nothing in reserve, that my coworkers may steal my Pringles, but when the burning starts, I've hidden a bag of marshmallows in the bottom drawer of my desk. XXXXX