Chapter Six

I lay there in an unconscious, semi-conscious, hyper-conscious state for better than a week and an half. I was visited by my relatives and friends. I was visited by the dead both famous and obscure. I was read to by Russell Sanders and Louis Tooth. Did I mention Louis' last name? Very unfortunate and cruel isn't it? His parents were sick and depraved, but his name never fails to get a laugh, from me anyway.

I lay there, not really taking in much of either world until I heard a sound like a distant AM radio, full of sparks and static:
"Marty? Marty? I think you can hear me Marty, the dials all say you can." lilted the familiar voice. "Marty it's me Doctor Granger, Doctor Ranger Granger." It wasn't his proper name and even if it was it wouldn't even compare to Louis Tooth. "I have some good news for you Colonel, the operation was a success!" he laughed casually. "You survived, and you know the cafeteria always gives me a complimentary fruit cup when one of my patients survive... Haven't had one for a while...I'm excited." He was probably just joking. "The bad news Marty is two-fold. Number one, when we removed that exquisite poultry limb from your melon it took some of your brain with it, and parts that weren't stuck to the bone were pretty well...Breaded. You lost a big hunk of "Gray Matter" there brother and while the scans and tests all say that you are functioning at an astoundingly normal level, I gotta let you know that a patient named Gary Fulbriton that we operated on about 5 years ago had a similar reading following a brain injury but he wound up being nuttier than an Elephant's poop. Number two, I'm ADD, attention deficit disorder or something like that, and although I've read every book and article concerning your type of situation, I don't really remember much about it... Hell I can't find my car keys and to tell you the truth I'm not sure if I left them in your skull before I closed up. You see Marty, I was a basketball player for the University of Kentucky Wildcats back in 85, and they would let you slide on just about any course if you had the right number of rebounds and baskets on your resume. I was an all-star 3 years in a row and I would've gone pro if I could've remembered the plays. Anyway, where was I, oh yeah, remind me to tell you about our point guard, a redneck from Appalachia who became a Dentist even though he had an IQ of ten and was Dyslexic. He went to pull a patients ' "Toof" and amputated his foot. Thank God for malpractice insurance, right Marty!" that hearty staccato laugh made me blink involuntarily. "So right now your body has gone into a protective coma-like state until it can deal with the shock of the surgery, but don't you worry, Louis took that piece of chicken and had it bronzed and mounted on top of a doggy-bag from Chickin Lickin, it's hilarious! Also, as soon as you come out of this and can talk, if of course you "can" talk, that crazy weatherman from the CBS early show, Dave Price, wants to visit and interview you for the network. I'd like to get my hands on that boy's coconut!" I'd never seen the CBS Early Show before and didn't know who Dave Price was, now he's my favorite weatherman.

Doctor Granger's voice was fading in and out..."Marty, I just want you to know one thing, your friend Louis has been reading the "Penthouse Forum" letters to you this past week. He has managed to become somewhat of a celebrity here and never fails to draw a substantial crowd of patients and medical personnel alike. It's been sort of like a perverted Christian Science Read-aloud in here. Like a Hooternanny or something. If when you come to, you have a heightened libido or some pretty impossible scenarios of how to get a woman naked, running around in your head, you'll know why! Trust me Marty, those things never happen, just trust me on that."

The next thing from my coma I remember was hearing Russell's voice coming from the black. He whispered "Marty, guess who I snuck into your room, can you hear her? Marty, it's your loving pooch Nancy." I heard the rustling of dog feet on tile and then on my bed sheets, I could feel her weight on my chest. "Kiss him girl!"Russell barked softly. "Bring him out of his sleep with a kiss!"
"Oh my god no,"I screamed in my head. "Don't let that tongue touch my face, she licks her butt with that tongue." but lick she did. On my nose and my lips and my ears...and I was motionless and helpless to stop it. "Russell, I'm going to piss in your beer the very first chance I get and see how you like it!" but Russell egged her on and on and on she licked, until finally.... I found it somehow....erotic.