Chapter Twelve

I have a few other problems besides seeing dead people and visiting heaven and hell. There are a few significant holes in my memory, and I have lost the ability to make change. As a matter of fact I have lost the ability to understand money on any level. The worst part about this is that I've been an accountant for the firm Foot,Karp, and Thor the last 17 years. Thankfully they have given me a substantial severance, as far as I know, and that coupled with my disability pay and disability insurance I had on my mortgage I can exist without the need for a job for the time being....I think. The bank normally sends me statements reporting on my financial status, but the numbers just run off the page like fire ants. On my second trip home from the hospital we stopped at a drug store so I could buy a new razor, one with 3 blades and the vibrating action. The clerk said "$4.75 Marty."

I was surprised the man knew my name, and I smiled knowingly at him. I pulled out a quarter and laid it on the counter and we stood looking at each other awkwardly for a couple of centuries.

"Marty." he said softly as beads of sweat formed above his brow. "That's not going to do it buddy."

I chuckled nervously and said "Of course!..Sorry!" and pulled a penny out of my pocket, dropped it next to the quarter and smiled. I looked at the man inquisitively wondering if this valuable token was going to solve our quandary. There was a line growing behind me and people's heads were bobbing around trying, impatiently, to see what idiot was impeding them from a normal life.

"I see three!" the clerk yelled across the store. This was a code phrase telling his fellow clerks that he had a problem with a customer and someone should open another register. The carnival had a similar code that they would yell when a fleeced "mark" would get aggressive or the police were on their trail. They would yell "Hey Rube!"

We looked at each other like two gunslingers at a showdown. Raymond the clerk was torn between giving me the razor for 26 cents and trying to explain the monetary system to a man who had a bandage that looked like a giant Q-tip on his head. Louis popped in out of nowhere and dropped a 5 dollar bill on the counter and scooped me and the razor out the door. I wasn't sure what had taken place, all I knew was I had humiliated myself.

Now I've discovered the beauty of a Debit Card. I can buy whatever I want, no matter the cost and all I do is hand the clerk my plastic passport. I do have to remember my PIN number to make the card operate. It is 1717.

I had grown tired of the bedpans and industrial toilets at the hospital. I couldn't wait to get home and finally use my own private Koehler deluxe throne. As a matter of fact, I had saved up a gigantic poop to christen it with, and frankly it was getting a little uncomfortable. Russell seemed to be driving extra slow in his new Suburban and I was growing very impatient with him. You can only imagine my mixed emotions when I opened the door to my condo to find it filled with faces all yelling "Welcome home Marty!"

There were so many people in my house you could hardly move around. On my dining room table was a great big cake with vertical red and white stripes, shaped like a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Candles were burning at the top, I guess it was for the birthday I missed while I was in a coma. I looked around for Lisa but she wasn't there. I began to panic a little when I realized that the faces in the room were only vaguely familiar to me. A beautiful, petite, brunette, gave me a passionate kiss on the mouth and whispered. "Marty, I know you don't believe me, but I was worried sick about you, I'm so glad you're ok."

I was immediately aroused and smiled broadly. I slipped away and asked Louis, as softly as I could, who that woman was... He laughed at me, he stopped for a moment and stared into my eyes, and laughed again. I saw his expression turn cold and serious just as a 17 year old boy grabbed my shoulders and spun me around. Tears were leaking from the corners of his eyes as he embraced me in a bear hug. "This has been the most terrible time in my life." he blubbered. "I can't believe we almost lost you."

I smiled the exact same smile I had given Raymond, the drug store clerk. As I tell you this I can still hear his next words as if they were being screamed into my ears by Bob the retarded guy.

The handsome boy who stood two inches taller than I with the straight, thick, brown hair and broad shoulders, looked sadly at me with his wet, piercing blue eyes. His mouth opened, and right before I passed out and fell head first into my bucket cake, the candles igniting my gauze filled bandage, setting off the smoke alarm and alerting the Arfordsville Fire Department, he spoke. "I love you Dad!"