Chapter Twenty Four

Cynthia and I got up out of bed and dressed. She was busily trying to figure out how to make the TV work and I was simultaneously trying to figure out why I had ever married such a nut job in the first place. I was also wondering how I could have ever divorced such a fantastic woman. Was this my personality or just another result of having had a chicken leg in my head?

My bandage was really bothering me. It felt heavy and itchy and was unraveling . I entertained thoughts of removing it but let those emotions pass.

Oprah was looking as if he needed to go pee, so I put on my shoes and walked him into the July sun. It was the kind of day that I've learned to cherish. The sky was bright blue and dotted with wispy clouds. The temperature so high that the grasshoppers and locusts were singing to keep cool. As I walked down the street I would occasionally feel my feet leave the ground, I was wondering if I was about to walk up to heaven. Oprah pranced and sniffed with delight as we walked. He peed on every single thing that looked inviting. He didn't wait to find a hydrant or tree, he peed on stones and blades of grass. He stopped to pee so often I thought I heard air come out of him instead of urine at times. I didn't mind the frequent stops, I was glad to be alive. When a car nearly struck me and caromed off a tree and into the river that runs along the street I only smiled because I was so happy to be on Earth. Oprah started to bark and bounce as the automobile sank nose first into the water.

Cynthia had found MSNBC on the TV and watched in amazement as Lester Holt introduced the reporter at the Hospital in New York. "The city is abuzz as one of the most controversial births in 2000 years is believed to have occurred at Marcus Hospital, reporter Jay Walters has that story..." He paused and turned to a monitor.

"That's right Lester." Lester nodded his head slightly, he was "right" again. "Celebrities and politicians are arriving here by the minute in what some believe may be a new chapter of the Bible. A child, reportedly born of a virgin has set this part of the world on it's ear and is causing it's share of celebration and consternation across the religious and political landscape. Certain clerical figures have referred to this event as a blasphemous hoax, while others hail it as proof of the existence of God. Some politicians are carefully avoiding taking sides as they await a reaction from their constituents, while some have proposed a hearing in the senate to decide what steps the United Stated should take in reaction to this rather disturbing development. Lester, while it is not surprising that well heeled celebrities have been invited into the celebration that surrounds this circus like event, we have learned that for some unknown reason a man named Raymond Rayburn, a drug store owner from a small town in Kentucky has been shepherded into the elite inner circle of celebrants. We have a crew headed to the town Alfordsville Kentucky to get more information that we'll be reporting to you later.

"I remember a story not long ago from that part of the world Jay, is this the man that was caught in the middle of a tornado and ended up with a chicken stuck in his head?" Lester stared intently at his reporter, proud that he was able to call up that piece of information from his rolodex like memory.

"It very well could be." said the reporter, caught flat-footed by the question. "It's hard to imagine that there would be any other reason for this person's involvement in such an exclusive event."

I took off my shoes and told Oprah to "Stay!" I might as well have told Oprah that Edison was the Anti-Christ. At this point in his life he had yet to develop any understanding of the English language. I tried to pull my t-shirt up over my head but there was just too much going on up there to let it pass in the time allotted so I pulled it back down and jumped into the water. I immediately began to wonder if I knew how to swim. I fought my way to the driver's side of the car and found an unconscious woman floating to the length of her seatbelt. Fortunately the window was partially down so I could grab it with both hands. Using my feet as levers I summoned all of my strength until the window broke free. I reached in and unbuckled her restraint and pulled her by the shoulders from the still sinking automobile. Pulling her against the river's current I managed to drag her from the water and onto the muddy shore. Oprah was still there barking, stomping his feet, and spinning in circles like he was celebrating. He immediately ran into the mud and started licking the woman's face. I pushed him away, pinched the victim's nose and opened her mouth. Seconds after I puffed into her mouth, she spit up a gusher of river water and began to cough. "You're OK!" I yelled.

She went from near death to wide awake panic as she looked towards the water. "MY BABY!"

"Oh my God!" I gasped. I hadn't seen a baby. My hands slipped out from under her head causing it to make a plopping sound as it fell into the mud. I jumped up and ran back into the swirling maelstrom. My legs pumped furiously as I swam back down to the sinking car and into the window. I searched with my hands desperately but could find nothing. My heart pounded with fear that a small child might be helplessly drowning in the murk. Little did I know at the time that the childless woman liked to refer to her Toyota Tercel as her "baby."

I felt every square inch of the car until I was both satisfied that there was no baby to be found, and I was completely out of oxygen. When I worked my way out of the open window I did not rise to the river's surface as I had planned. My extra large bandage had soaked up ten times it's own weight in water. Instead of going up...I went gracefully down. Down, down, down.