Chapter Thirty Four

She was driving like a crazy woman, cigarette in her mouth, beer between her legs, right hand on the shift knob, and the pedal to the floor. The road was windy and dusty and she took every curve sideways. I was pushed back into my seat by the G forces. It reminded me of the time she took me to the airport, I was flying to Chicago to see a baseball game. That was the flight that crashed and killed most of the passengers, and I just broke my toes. I was honestly more frightened by that ride to the airport than I was when the plane was going down.

As thrilling as the tour in the aged muscle car was, it now started to get nutty. She spied a possum by the side of the road and swerved so she would hit it. "Ta-thump." Soon there was a raccoon..."Ta-thump." Skunk..."Ta-thump." Ten wiener dogs..."Ta-da-ta-da-ta-da thumpety thump thump thud." She looked at me, her eyes opened wide and she let out a scream of delight. When she turned her eyes back to the road she was surprised, downshifted the knob and put both feet on the brakes. There was a large, dark Mercedes cruising slowly down the middle of the road. The windows were blacked out and the added chrome tacked to the sides seemed to weigh it down so it sat low down to the ground. Lynette beeped her horn, a noise manufactured to sound like the Road Runner of cartoon fame. There was even a picture of the animated bird on the steering wheel, in the spot where you would make the horn work. "Beep Beep!"

The honk had the opposite effect. The car slowed. The Driver's window came down and a dark finger emerged. Did I tell you Lynette has a temper? She floored the gas pedal and rode the bumper for a short time. Then she ran halfway off the road in an attempt to get around. The Mercedes just sped up to keep pace and slowly edged toward my door. Her face lit up again. She threw the steering wheel to the right and smashed hard into the black car. It came back at her and we collided again. I grabbed my head to cover my wound. With a hearty laugh she pumped the gas and crashed hard into the vehicle, sending it flying off the road and into some mighty oak trees. The Mercedes burst into flames and bodies went flying. Those who weren't trapped in the wreckage came running out onto the road, covered in gasoline, and flaming like human torches until they fell helplessly to the ground. "200 points!" Lynette chimed.

"Where are we?" I yelled over the howl of the powerful engine.

"Can't you tell?" She answered as she swerved to clip a deer.

"Hell?"

"No."

"Heaven?"

"No."

"Purgatory?"

"Nope."

We passed the Palomino Drive-in theatre. The sign was crappy and needed the weeds pulled out from around the bottom. The name of the current movie playing was displayed with black uneven letters. It was the kind of sign that could be quickly changed every time there was a new feature playing. They could've written the name of the movie currently playing here in stone. The movie that is playing for all of eternity at the Palomino Drive-in Theatre answered my question.

"Redneck Heaven?"

"You guessed her, Chester! Wanna go see "Smoky and the Bandit" tonight?