Chapter Thirty Six

There was a bong sitting on Lynette's coffee table. The base was a human skull. I silently asked myself the question "What is the one thing I would've never guessed I would see in heaven?"

Lynette's trailer was enormous. It had a brick facade and palladium windows like you would see on an incredibly expensive home. There were huge stone pillars that held up the giant sun shade. The front door was as wide as a bus with giant iron knockers. Strips of aluminum skirted the bottom to cover the wheels. I counted 20 dogs running around the yard, there were 20 more inside. Fortunately they chased themselves around the 50 rooms of the house and were barely noticeable except when they would roll, fighting and playing into the living room. If Lynnette became upset with their presence she would say "Hey!" in a coarse growl and they would pin back their ears, park their tails between their legs, if they still had tails, and quietly vacate the room.

It took me a few minutes to notice, but the granite coffee table that I'd placed my beer, was a headstone. It was Lynette's. There were potato chip crumbs stuck inside the etching of her name. "So Marty, what have you been up to?"

"It's a long story, suffice it to say, it hasn't been dull."

"Have you seen that bitch Cheryl lately?"

"Are you still pissed off at her?"

"Me?" She pulled out a cigarette, lit it, sucked in the smoke and let it out in one fluid motion. "Why would I still be pissed?"

"You sound angry Lynette, it seems that death hasn't put much distance between you and your hatred for her."

"Oh, I don't hold grudges Marty, I don't wish bad things for her, I just want her to become really familiar with the FOX network program lineup for all of eternity."

"Whoa! Take it easy there Spunky! You are still fostering a little ill will, aren't you? I grabbed my beer and chugged.

"Listen, here you can feel what you want, there are no rules about how to behave, it's not like it is in church. You don't need to pretend, feel holier than thou while you kiss God's ass. Trust me, even God doesn't buy that shit." She accented the remark by holding her mouth open and letting the smoke drift out of the gaping cave and into her wide open nostrils.

"You know God?" I accidentally let some of the beer in my mouth roll down my chin.

"Hey...Where do you want to land? You can have your run of the house." She paused and began gyrating her shoulders. "I have a very comfortable bed, if you wanna get a gooood nights rest."

"Somehow I didn't think that there would be much need for sleep in heaven."

"Who said anything about sleep?" She blinked her eyes suggestively.

I wasn't ready for that, maybe not ready for the rest of eternity. I loved Lynette as much as I had loved any of my girlfriends and wives, but it was somehow more special than the affection you have for a lover. Plus, there was something about knowing that Jesus was still somewhere in the immediate vicinity that made me put the whole idea of sex way back on the back burner. Back, back, back.

"Marty, get into bed, lay back and close your eyes. I'm not sure what will happen, but I can guarantee you, that you have never experienced anything like it. Imagine your wildest most beautiful dream and then multiply it by a jillion." She grabbed me by the hand and led me up the winding staircase. We stopped climbing at the first landing and walked down the hall of the second floor. She led me to a door, grabbed the knob like the handle of a safe and turned her face to mine. "Unless I miss my guess, your room should be ready." She opened the door to a cavernous suite. There was a giant bed with a canopy. A luxurious bath was attached. There were silk curtains rhythmically swaying from the warm soft breeze coming in through the balcony doors. She opened a closet filled with a fantastic wardrobe for me, although there were many more pairs of shorts and flip flop sandals than I might have ever desired, it contained all I could ever need. "I'll leave you now Marty, see you in the morning, or afternoon, or late afternoon. The party won't start again until evening, we don't want to miss it." She kissed me on the mouth and let herself out.

I wandered around the room for a while in amazement. Something led me to the carved oak dresser and inside I found a pair of pajamas. They were printed with sacred hearts. I slipped them on and brushed my teeth. I pulled back the bedspread and folded it down neatly.

There were mints on the pillow.