Chapter Sixty Two
The top of the Devil box exploded open, wood and metal flying. Satan, his arms outstretched, howled with the volume of an angry lover. His body quivered violently and his ominous teeth bared, revealing bloody gums and crap from two thousand floss-free years. Several of his fingers were shortened or missing entirely.
Babe Ruth searched frantically for his baseball bat and shifted so quickly in his chair that it snapped shut like a mouse trap folding him in half.
Standing in front of the box I pulled back my fist, elbow locked and drawn back, looking like a catcher getting ready to throw out a runner stealing second base. "Relax!" I said to the Devil. All I wanted was for things to be quiet for a few moments while I contemplated what Babe had told me and figure out why I was so angry. My fist knocked Satan down and out. The punch was so hard that even the little yellow birds that would normally circle his head fell to the bottom of the wooden prison and passed out from the trauma. Little tiny stars floated around their heads.
"Shut this box up and fix the God Damn thing!" I didn't even look at Babe as I walked away, but I saw him anyway. He scrambled partly on hands and knees until he could gather enough steam to stand erect.
I walked on into the woods...seeing red...in 360 degrees.
Babe Ruth was screaming at me from the clearing. "Marty, where are you going? What are you going to do?
"Kiss my ass Babe!"
"Marty! What are you going to tell the people?" He was now running after me
"I'm going to tell them to kiss my ass." In my anger, I started seeing things for what they were. I was seeing the details of everything, for miles, in all directions.
I saw a tree that looked like a spindly hand that beckoned me to approach when the wind made it move. I saw that the birds above the forest were actually the black-eyed angels that caught me when I fell from the bridge. I saw a skunk having sex with a black cat. I saw Red Skelton crouching behind a woodland bush.
Babe screamed. "Marty, I won't let you go off half-cocked!" He hurled his Louisville Slugger in my direction and it broke to splinters on a tree trunk just inches from my head. "Uh oh." He lamented.
I spun on my heels to face him. His face was ashen in embarrassment and disbelief. Over his shoulder the box was rocking and starting to splinter.
"How am I going to save the world from the Devil now?" Both of the Bambino's hands held his face and his cigar fell to the ground.
"Maybe you should ask Clem Kadiddlefucker over there." I pointed to the rustling bush a hundred yards away.
Red stood up and brushed his tie with his paint stained hands.
"There's the Devil." I said pointing to Red Skelton "I don't know what that is in the box, but your Devil is standing right here."
Red's face widened with a broad smile that somehow passed the message of delight without showing any teeth. He walked from behind the bush. The bottom half of his body was unclothed and appeared to be the lower half of a German Shepherd. He walked on his tip toes as uncomfortably as any creature that was created to use all fours.
"You don't belong here Marty, you are aware of that aren't you?" His voice as kind and sweet and a Mother lilting to a newborn. "You need to be going."
"Red, tell him that's the Devil and we've got to keep him in the box!" Babe cried.
"Go ahead Red, tell the Babe that you're not the Devil." My voice was echoing through the clearing. "Tell him that he's been serving mankind for all these years. Tell him more lies!"
"The Devil doesn't lie Marty, Satan can't lie. It's like when a prostitute asks a prospective client if he's a policeman or not, he has to tell her, it's the law." Red was very serious about this.
"But you lied to the Babe. You told him that was Satan in the box!"
"Sure, I lied, but I'm not the Devil. Not exactly, anyway." His feet crossed and uncrossed nervously.
Babe Ruth was perplexed. He was starting to realize that he hadn't been guarding the Prince of Darkness all these years. He was scratching his head madly to try and understand what he was witnessing. "If that isn't the Devil, then who or what is that in the box?"
Red shuffled anxiously.
"Tell him Red. He deserves to know." I was suddenly in command of the situation.
"Lou Gehrig." Red mumbled.
The box fell open and the mangled body of the "Iron Horse" stepped out and sauntered into the darkness of the woods.
"God Bless!" Red shouted in the direction of the retreating Gehrig.
Babe Ruth searched frantically for his baseball bat and shifted so quickly in his chair that it snapped shut like a mouse trap folding him in half.
Standing in front of the box I pulled back my fist, elbow locked and drawn back, looking like a catcher getting ready to throw out a runner stealing second base. "Relax!" I said to the Devil. All I wanted was for things to be quiet for a few moments while I contemplated what Babe had told me and figure out why I was so angry. My fist knocked Satan down and out. The punch was so hard that even the little yellow birds that would normally circle his head fell to the bottom of the wooden prison and passed out from the trauma. Little tiny stars floated around their heads.
"Shut this box up and fix the God Damn thing!" I didn't even look at Babe as I walked away, but I saw him anyway. He scrambled partly on hands and knees until he could gather enough steam to stand erect.
I walked on into the woods...seeing red...in 360 degrees.
Babe Ruth was screaming at me from the clearing. "Marty, where are you going? What are you going to do?
"Kiss my ass Babe!"
"Marty! What are you going to tell the people?" He was now running after me
"I'm going to tell them to kiss my ass." In my anger, I started seeing things for what they were. I was seeing the details of everything, for miles, in all directions.
I saw a tree that looked like a spindly hand that beckoned me to approach when the wind made it move. I saw that the birds above the forest were actually the black-eyed angels that caught me when I fell from the bridge. I saw a skunk having sex with a black cat. I saw Red Skelton crouching behind a woodland bush.
Babe screamed. "Marty, I won't let you go off half-cocked!" He hurled his Louisville Slugger in my direction and it broke to splinters on a tree trunk just inches from my head. "Uh oh." He lamented.
I spun on my heels to face him. His face was ashen in embarrassment and disbelief. Over his shoulder the box was rocking and starting to splinter.
"How am I going to save the world from the Devil now?" Both of the Bambino's hands held his face and his cigar fell to the ground.
"Maybe you should ask Clem Kadiddlefucker over there." I pointed to the rustling bush a hundred yards away.
Red stood up and brushed his tie with his paint stained hands.
"There's the Devil." I said pointing to Red Skelton "I don't know what that is in the box, but your Devil is standing right here."
Red's face widened with a broad smile that somehow passed the message of delight without showing any teeth. He walked from behind the bush. The bottom half of his body was unclothed and appeared to be the lower half of a German Shepherd. He walked on his tip toes as uncomfortably as any creature that was created to use all fours.
"You don't belong here Marty, you are aware of that aren't you?" His voice as kind and sweet and a Mother lilting to a newborn. "You need to be going."
"Red, tell him that's the Devil and we've got to keep him in the box!" Babe cried.
"Go ahead Red, tell the Babe that you're not the Devil." My voice was echoing through the clearing. "Tell him that he's been serving mankind for all these years. Tell him more lies!"
"The Devil doesn't lie Marty, Satan can't lie. It's like when a prostitute asks a prospective client if he's a policeman or not, he has to tell her, it's the law." Red was very serious about this.
"But you lied to the Babe. You told him that was Satan in the box!"
"Sure, I lied, but I'm not the Devil. Not exactly, anyway." His feet crossed and uncrossed nervously.
Babe Ruth was perplexed. He was starting to realize that he hadn't been guarding the Prince of Darkness all these years. He was scratching his head madly to try and understand what he was witnessing. "If that isn't the Devil, then who or what is that in the box?"
Red shuffled anxiously.
"Tell him Red. He deserves to know." I was suddenly in command of the situation.
"Lou Gehrig." Red mumbled.
The box fell open and the mangled body of the "Iron Horse" stepped out and sauntered into the darkness of the woods.
"God Bless!" Red shouted in the direction of the retreating Gehrig.
2 Comments:
"I am alone. I am utterly alone. By the time you read this I will be gone. Having jumped, having plummited off the River Winter Bridge."
I am so cornfussed.
By Skokie Shakes, at 9:38 AM
Shakes: You should consider yourself the luckiest man in the world....until they name an illness the Skokie Shakes Disease
By Joe, at 1:08 PM
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