Chapter Twenty..end of part two

Red Skelton used to do a joke where he would have someone hand him a note on stage which he would read as if it was a message from the theatre's management: "The management would like to announce that there has been a diamond ring found in the theatre. A young lady by the name of Helen Hunt is holding it in the back, so if you have lost a diamond ring, you can go to Helen Hunt for it."

Chapter Nineteen

In the very early 1800's there was a Mandan Chief named Shahaka. He was also known, before 1806 as "Big White" to his people. He had a very good memory for remembering the landscape of the Dakotas and when the explorers Lewis and Clark came waltzing through his neighborhood he was so friendly he gave them 100 pounds of meat. One time Oprah pulled a wagon of meat out onto the stage of her TV show and got the biggest ratings she ever had. Lewis and Clark gave Shahaka an axe. They got more than cholesterol from him however, he also drew them a map that covered vast territories from the Black Hills to his village and a detailed layout of the Yellowstone river. He traveled to Washington D.C. to meet President Jefferson with the L and C expedition, but because of some very nasty Indian politics, couldn't make it back to his own people for two long years. When he returned to his tribe and described the big buildings, lamppost, Atlantic ocean, bridges, and the huge number of all white people, he got a brand new name. They renamed him "Bag of lies."

William Clark, the explorer, was the brother of George Rogers Clark. George founded the city of Louisville, Kentucky and is praised as the man who opened the door to the Northwest Territory. In Indiana he is known as the guy who paid for his own army to battle the British. He made friends with the Indians and the French. He was the Jerry Lewis of Kentucky. A French Fur trader named Francis Vigo managed to sneak secret information to George about the British occupation of Vincennes, Indiana. They held Fort Sackville outside of the city. It was really called "Sackville!" Clark led an army of soldiers, French dudes, and Indians on a raid of Sackville and took it with the precision of the Impossible Missions Force. (The IMF was a team of sneaky covert spies and operatives for the government on a TV show of the 1960's called "Mission Impossible) Clark made the Midwest, from Louisville to Detroit safe from the British. His reward was a "Thanks George, but this bill for your so-called army is ridiculous..We're not going to pay you a cent!" From the U.S. Government. He died penniless. The interesting part is that one night, a few years before he died, he got silly drunk and passed out with his foot in the fireplace of his little ramshackle cabin. He was burned so badly they removed his entire leg. When he visited me, while I was "sitting" in my bathroom, he told me that until he died he could still feel that leg "Kicking British ASS!"

I told my friends about my meeting with George, and they shook their heads up and down knowingly. I told them how Shahaka had drawn me a map of how to get to Vincennes, Indiana from my house. He was a great artist and laid out my trip in tremendous detail. If you have ever used a computer program called "Mapquest" you will know exactly what I'm talking about. They were outwardly amazed. I told them that we had to go there together on the last weekend in July, as per George's instructions, to the George Rogers Clark Memorial. I told them that much truth will be revealed on the Saturday of that weekend. There was no hesitation. Russell said 6 or 7 people could ride comfortably in his SUV. Candace said she could take 4 in her Mercedes. Dave said he needed to get back to New York but he could fly into Terre Haute and drive down. What in the hell is wrong with these people? Shahaka said they would call me a "Sack of Lies" but they were ready to go, no questions asked.

Bob said he had to work at Winn Dixie supermarket returning shopping carts from the parking lot that weekend, but Louis told him he knew his boss and that he would get the day off for him. That caused the most negative response from the group. Silent....but negative.

Chapter Eighteen

Ronald Reagan was known as the "Great Communicator." I am known as the "Chicken Bone Guy." In an effort to make myself instantly into a great speaker I tried something I had never done before. I channeled the spirit of President Reagan to come and give me speaking tips. He was surprisingly vague about what it takes to be a good orator. He gave what amounted to a basic approach to public speaking.

"Imagine your audience naked." he shook his head and grinned broadly as he spoke. "Or at the very least, in their underpants."

Here is the problem with that. The audience had just seen ME naked and because I was wearing nothing but my winter coat, they were still catching glimpses of escapee parts. Secondly, I had seen all but a few members of the attentive hoard naked at one point in my life and imagining them without clothes was only providing a distraction.

The other 2 tips he offered before he escaped my grasp were impossible to perform. First he said that I should have the script girl write the words on a big piece of cardboard and lay them at my feet and when I forgot something I could pretend as if I was thinking and just look at my shoes. Second, when things got really hard, Nancy could whisper what I wanted to say in my ear. With those tips he strolled towards heaven, but just before he faded into the sunset he turned and excitedly yipped. "Start things off with a joke!"

As I stood before my friends and lovers trying to think of a great ice breaker to start the festivities another thought came to me. "Who am I?" I meant that in a broad sense. I mean, I had either been married or intimate with every woman in the room. Am I Hugh Hefner? Am I Johnny Carson? Why didn't I channel him? Was I a dog that flitted from woman to woman with no sense of morals? There was Lisa, Candace, Carol and Cynthia sitting on the couch in front of me all staring at me in what might be construed as adoration.

I let go. "Since the accident.....The one with the tornado....Something has been happening with me."

Bob reached under the coffee table and pulled a reluctant Oprah to his lap. There was an audible squish as he pulled him to his soaked t-shirt.

"I....I....I've been talking to the dead and I can see visions of heaven and hell!" I blurted

There was an effective pause and silence in the room that was broken when Louis' arm slipped off of his shoulder, snaked through his shirtsleeve and plopped on the floor with the timing of a comic drum rimshot. Everyone's head turned with miraculous precision in his direction, like spectators at a tennis match. Then with an identical timing they returned to me.

"I know this sounds a little crazy, and it very well may be, but I can communicate with those who have left this veil of tears. There is no limit as to who I can contact. I have spoken to dead relatives and acquaintances as well as the famous and....The infamous." I looked into the eyes of my audience and saw a calm, believing demeanor. "Any questions?"

Dr. Granger spoke. "Can I have that Diet Coke now?"

"No, you can't! I'm trying to tell you something that's very difficult right now." I barked.

"But I'm thirsty."

"Me too!" said Bob.

"Could I get a Diet Pepsi?" said Dave Price. "With light ice?

"People!" I spoke so loudly that I could feel it vibrate through my head wounds. "We'll get to that in good time, I'm trying to tell you that I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!"

Everyone laughed at my reference to the catch phrase from the movie "Sixth Sense."

"So when you see these people, is it like a dream?" Candace has a voice so lilting and smooth I actually glanced at the radio to see if it was on.

"Hi Candace." I smiled. "No, it's nothing like a dream. "It's as if it is happening alongside my physical experience... It's just as real but somehow separated."

"Like the Patty Duke show?" asked Dave.

The crowd became restless. He continued.

"You know the TV show where she played her own identical cousin. They would photograph her doing a scene and then have her change clothes and they would somehow put her next to herself and she would have this whole conversation....I'll just shut up." he hung his head.

"It's sort of like that in a way that is nothing like that at all Dave, but thanks for the help." I was starting to get comfortable with the idea of telling my story. "Thanks to the injury that took away a piece of my brain, I am now able to see into another world. I spoke with my late Father this morning and he told me to say Hello to all of you."

"Hewwoo" responded Bob.

"Anyway, you can take this as an illusion caused by my condition, or like me, you can see it as a gift that we can share. I guess all I want is for you all to know what is happening to me and whether you believe it or not, I won't feel the need to hide it from you."

Candace sat up excitedly. "Oh my this would make a great movie! Dave don't you think this would make a wonderful film story."

Dave, anxious to please Candance agreed whole heartedly. "It would be fabulous!"

Russell, looking a little upset, turned to Candace."Who would play me?

"John Goodman." said Dave.

"Phillip Seymour Hoffman." rebuffed Candace, bringing a smile to Russell's face.

"Wha bout me?" drooled Bob.

"Brad Pitt." answered Dave without hesitation.

Dr. Granger jumped in. "I want Samuel L. Jackson to play me."

My son Louis yelled. "Vince Vaughn could be Louis!"

"Hold on, hold on." I said. "Let's not get crazy, this isn't a movie... This is my life...This is my torment! Who would play me?"

In unison the four women on the couch answered without a moment's hesitation. "Johnny Depp."

I smiled.

Francis Vigo...you fat sack!